


The time jon had to read a statement about a communist penis

by HucowMartinStan



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Also there's a giant shared penis so watch out for that, Body Horror, Canon typical flesh shenanigans, Fan Statement, Financial Struggle, Implied neglagence, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Slight hucow, Transphobia, as a treat, like just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24709354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HucowMartinStan/pseuds/HucowMartinStan
Summary: Statement of Oliver Hucow regarding his encounter and participation in the communal penis.
Relationships: Minor jonmartin, Oliver hucow/tyler - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	The time jon had to read a statement about a communist penis

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! :DDD this is my first work to be posted here, I hope you enjoy!!

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Oliver Hucow, regarding a, um-  
[HE PAUSES FOR A SMALL, DISAPPOINTED SIGH]  
Statement of Oliver Hucow, regarding his encounter and participation in the communal penis.  
Original statement given June 8th, 2020. Recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of The Magnus Institute, London.  
Statement Begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

I consider myself a sane person. Well, I’m sure most people do, but I think it's necessary to preface this; I do not, nor have I ever suffered from severe mental illness. Nothing that would make me hallucinate, or well-

Okay, let me start from the beginning. I got out of highschool pretty recently- At least that’s how it feels. I started living alone pretty much directly after I graduated. Not exactly the most ideal situation, but it was manageable. My boyfriend Tyler had room for me in his flat, so I had some level of comfort.

My point is, I made due- to an extent. That was until Tyler got fired. The whole ordeal was ridiculous. Said he was ‘A disturbance to customers’- his boss was a transphobic sod if you ask me. Not like there was anything Tyler could do to stop him, though. So that left us, two unemployed twenty year olds, living in a small flat. Needless to say, I needed to get a job then more than ever.

Me and him went on and on through job listings, but no one would hire. Eventually we had to ask my mom for financial help. Seems simple enough, my family is reasonably well off, only problem is, she doesn’t exactly want to help me. It was all to no avail, so at that point, Tyler and I made an arguably stupid decision. We went onto Craigslist. You have to understand, we had nowhere else to go. It was either that or be homeless, and well, that's less than ideal.

So I’m looking through listings, and I see one that reads ‘Seeking young men to work on a ranch’ and it seems almost too good to be true. Looking back, it sounds quite eerie, but that was the last thing on my mind. So I clicked on the listing for more details, and you know what it says? Sixteen pounds an hour. I should have known- I should have considered that it was too good, too ideal. Life isn’t like that. It never has been.

But I didn’t. We messaged the poster, Jared, and he replied almost immediately. He said ‘Welcome to the job’ and gave us the details. I’m not going to say where. It feels wrong to- to put others at risk. At risk of going through what I went through. To put it vaguely, me and Tyler went out to a barn in the southdowns. 

It was actually quite nice. The outside was painted a lovely maroon, and fairy lights bordered the edges of the ceiling. The man who greeted us was… well fair to say he didn’t fit the same description. He was tall and almost freakishly muscular. Tyler had joked that maybe the yard work would help us look a little more like him but I- I could’ve sworn the longer I looked at him the more off he looked. It was like he had- it was wrong. All wrong. Too many limbs, not enough, I’m not sure.

Tyler just seemed so happy. He looked at me with the most genuinely happy smile I’d seen in months and I just- I couldn’t just leave. I knew then and there that this was what he wanted, and if he was certain that this would fix things, I was too.

So we met the others. Believe it or not, most of the other guys were also queer. Actually, thinking back, I’m almost certain that everyone was. It helped calm my nerves. Maybe it shouldn’t have, maybe I should have found something wrong about that, but it just felt like home. Real home. Not the house I used to come back to, cold and distant. More like the friends I made in school- online. It was like a found family, and I could tell Tyler felt the same. Things were finally looking up.

At least that’s what I had hoped. But of course things had to go off colour. It always does. 

It all started back in January, that’s when I started noticing the tags. Every day as we showed up to the barn, another friend of ours had an ear tag. It seemed simple enough at first. I’ve seen odd enough earrings with that lot. Once Aiden actually wore one of those worm on a string as one. You know, those kids toys with the tiny googly eyes? Point is, it was easy enough to dismiss as a distasteful fashion choice. 

But then Braden had one. And Jaiden, and Layton- Zack, Eligh, the whole lot. I tried to talk to Tyler about it, but he just looked at me with this smile- it was almost unnaturally happy- and he said ‘Isn’t it great?’

That night he told me he was staying late to work. I tried to stop him but he- he was unresponsive. He just looked at me- Stared at me, but there was nothing behind it. So I just let him be. I would give anything to take that back. To grab him by the shoulders and snap him out of it. To tell him being homeless is better than- than this. Anything but this. But I didn’t do that. I left him behind.

He never came back that night. I woke up alone. That day I rushed to the barn. He was there, I just knew it. 

The barn looked like Jared. It was Wrong. The maroon had turned a deep, peeling red. The lights were broken and flickering. It smelt of rotten, old meat, and I Loved it. Everything in my head screamed to leave, but I couldn’t. So I walked closer. And closer. And closer. And then I was in. 

The sight was horrible, and lovely, and vomit inducing, and alluring. All of my friends, All of them in a circle. All together, all One. They all held hands and swayed gently, looking at the mass in the center. Tyler looked back at me, and he had that look on his face again. Warm and inviting, so full of warmth and elation.

So I joined. I felt as Jared- was it jared?- came up behind me, and it suddenly clicked what I had just become a part of. Looking up, I saw the huge, throbbing penis that lay at our feet. It had to have been 8 feet tall. Before I could scream, I felt a root from its base latch onto me. 

It is a difficult feeling to describe. To have everything you’ve wanted your entire life given to you, but it’s all wrong. It hurts. I felt Tyler's grip on my hand tighten, and those soft hands that had once given me so much comfort felt like a prison,

Then I remembered. In my left pocket, I always kept a knife, just in case. I’ve never really felt safe being, well, me.

I looked back up at Tyler, so happy, so complete, and I felt hot tears well up in my eyes. He wasn’t going to leave. So I ripped away from his hand, being met with the sudden sounds of- of cattle. They weren’t human. That was Not My Tyler.

As fast as I could, I whipped out my knife, and well. I did it. I don’t think any scream of pain can replicate the one I made as I severed myself from the communal cock. The tissue was thick, like rubber, and as I carved, it felt as if life drained from me.

I don’t remember much after that. I should have been dead. Blood loss from the dick is meant to be fatal. And yet I ran, but I still remember hearing a voice among the distant moos of my family. ‘Don’t you want to be milked, Oliver?’

ARCHIVIST

Statement ends. I think it goes without saying that this Oliver Hucow is another victim of Jared Hopworth. This statement certainly has the- er- charm of a flesh statement. Tim did some digging, but unsurprisingly found no recordings of the aforementioned Craigslist listing. He did, however, find that Oliver had been relatively active on multiple trans support-

[THE DOOR CREAKS]

ARCHIVIST

Martin, I thought we already discussed this. I’m clearly-

MARTIN  
Yes, yes, I know. I just wanted to check on you. It’s lunch, and I haven’t seen you leave your office the entire day.

ARCHIVIST

I-  
[HE PAUSES, CHECKING THE TIME. HE SIGHS]  
...I suppose I can afford to take a break from statements about shared genitalia.

MARTIN

I- what?

ARCHIVIST

It’s a rather long story. Tell it to you over lunch?

MARTIN

I- sure! Of course! Just let me get my coat.

ARCHIVIST

Right, right. I’ll be right there.

[CLICK]


End file.
